Good vs. Bad II

As a middle school teacher, this "bad with the good" has always been a challenge for me. There is always the question, how involved is "too involved"? From my first year of teaching in San Antonio, I would cry daily because my students' life stories were so tragic, until now, in Oakland, when I have my students over to my house to babysit, I have walked the tight-rope of a personal-yet-professional relationship with my kids. I can't help but get involved with them. I care about them beyond the hour to hour and a half that I spend with them each day. If I am going to affect them academically, I have to affect them personally, and year after year, they creep into my heart before Halloween has even arrived.
Like Gwen, this is where a great deal of from where I derive my job satisfaction. At the same time, it can be heartbreaking, especially with young teenagers. They are so unpredictable and can be calling you "mom" during one class and the next, the are cussing you out. It has taken years for me to separate myself to the point that I love them, but don't care if they love me. At least fifty times a day I tell myself, "They are just kids."
I think that my emotional attachment and my true love for my students is what makes me a successful teacher, and regardless of my success in the classroom, it is what makes me happy. except when it doesn't. Every time you put your heart out there, you give away permission to step on it. It's a true balancing act, but it's really what makes me love my job.

The Bad with the Good

A through-line in my teaching has always been a sincere interest in the whole student, not just the quantitative outcomes of my courses. I have found that my work is so much more rewarding when I get to know my students as people and learn about them outside of the campus.

Sometimes this has led to deeply satisfying personal relationships that have endured beyond graduation. To continue to interact with my past students on a personal level - attending weddings, baby showers, happy hours, etc - feels like the icing on the cake. This is the very, very good part of taking the time to see beyond the student number and the officially dictated level of responsibility the University has given me.

Then there is the less-good part. This week I have had several students who have found themselves in academic difficulty come to me for support. This support I give willingly, but there is definitely a personal toll. It is hard to see the pain and anguish in a student who sees that perhaps their academic plan will not go they way they had hoped. Facing a major change in one's life plan is not an easy thing for anyone, but I have come to believe that these early challenges, such as for a student in their 20's, may be the toughest.

I have come to accept that life can be suffering at times; that there are necessary losses that allow one to grow and change in ways that are too difficult to do without a whack in the side of the head dealt by life. To see this process unfold before someone who has never lost significantly before is painful. I know that in the end the individual is served, but my heart aches, and I wish there was a means of helping them see the opportunity that always lies buried in the rubble of a lost plan.

These experiences help me understand what I often can't fathom. When I see colleagues avoid making connections with students I always struggle with why they would want to miss out on what I find to be the sweetest part of my work. This week I have been reminded of why some choose to remain apart. Back to the good news, even though I see it, I remain committed to seeing my students as whole people, and I will continue to seek to be as useful as possible, and take the pain that comes as it will, for it is the shadow of the joy.